Fields of Wheat

“Me and my friends sort of used to run through the fields of wheat…” the Prime Minister says, a gleam of merriment finding her eyes, “the farmers weren’t too pleased about that… Their cries were sort of like those of animals. Gosh, they ran and ran… their filthy, skinny haunches carrying them as best they could. But we were faster, of course – children often are – and because we were quite small they could rarely see us beneath the golden heads of wheat. We laughed a great deal when they swerved or swore or prayed. Blood takes on a different odour when it’s agitated, sort of like… marzipan. My friend April would always reach them first, then myself, then June. Farmers are rather well acquainted with dying. I imagine they learn it from their livestock. Goodness me… Nobody is ever perfectly behaved, are they?”

For UK readers who aren’t volunteering for Labour in today’s election because victory is still a long shot, even with the tightened polls, here’s a short letter from an Australian perspective.
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Satan Disendorses Trump

LUCIFER, Prince of Darkness and Emperor Apostate of hell, has officially disendorsed Republican presidential nominee Donald Jeronimo Trump.

“His actions comments are beyond the pale,” announced Satan, a key backer of the Reagan and Bush administrations. “On behalf of all of the legions of the damned, I’m cutting all ties to the Trump campaign. I may be the cloven-footed embodiment of evil, but being assosiciated with this blabbering fascist is starting to hurt my brand.”

Lucifer claimed that his stunning denouncement was inspired by Trump’s recent rise in the polls. “We put him up as a bit of a joke, but we never expected it to go this far. He’s facing over a dozen unresolved rape allegations, including from his ex-wife, and is still on the brink of becoming president? How can I support him when  I myself am a father? How could I look the abstract concept of lies in the eyes?”

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One Nation

There’s worse news every day.

Thursday, 15th of September: in her maiden speech to the Senate, Pauline Hanson declares that Australia is “in danger of being swamped by Muslims”.

Sunday, 18th of September: speaking to a forum of European conservatives, former Prime Minister Tony Abbott describes the influx of refugees to Europe from “Middle East and Africa” as a “peaceful invasion”.

Wednesday, 21st of September: an Essential poll of 1000 people suggests that 49% of Australians want to ban the migration of people of people of the Islamic faith to Australia. A further 11% aren’t sure either way. If the poll is accurate, those of us who oppose such a measure are in the minority.

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The Eight Deadly Sens – Part Deux

In the three months since I wrote the first half of my musical profiles on the Crossbench Senators (which were pretty obsolete even at the time) a lot of crazy shit has gone down in Canberra. Australia’s Woodstock Floriade has come and gone, Australia’s Disneyland Cockington Green has done a roaring school holiday trade and Eric Abetz has learnt to control silver with his mind. So where the Corangamite have I been? Well, mostly stuck on a horrible writing procrasticoaster, riding in circles around the rickety well-worn tracks of my limbic system while a sneering coat-hanger of a carny refused to budge the breaks. But the other reason for the wormwood-bitter pang of my absence is that each of the dozen times I’ve sat down to patter out this post I’ve been so overwhelmed with tedium and despair at the state of our Parliament that I’ve shut down into a drooling Palmeralysis. So, after a not-insignificant amount of pulling with the aid of needle nosed pliars and fermented grape juice, I present to you – my teeth.

Jacqui Lambie (Palmer United Party)

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Losing Our Heads To Save Our Necks

We must stop at nothing to prevent death-cult jihadists murdering innocents on our own soil. That’s why anyone who isn’t a covert member of ISIS will support the Government’s new, recently announced anti-terror legislation: the distribution of mandatory “Freedom Collars” to protect Australians from beheadings.

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Morgan Freeman and Fallon inhale helium

Ongoing conflict in Gaza and the Ukraine was overshadowed today by shocking reports that Morgan Freeman and Jimmy Fallon inhaled helium. The “Tonight Show” host and co-star of hit Jim Carey vehicle “Bruce Almighty” inhaled the gas from red balloons, the same colour that paints the jagged ruins of Palestinian hospitals and the smouldering wreckage of Flight 17. Millions watched these dramatic events unfold in a day that many will never forget, especially when Fallon and Freeman finished imbibing the invisible gas and spoke in squeaky voices.
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The Eight Deadly Sens – Part I

Between 2008 and 2011, the balance of power in the Australian Senate was held by two erratic and headstrong minor party senators. They looked like this:

xenephone-fielding

As of three weeks ago, the balance of power in the Australian Senate is held by eight erratic and headstrong minor party senators. They look like this:

xenephone-others

You take one down, you pass it around, you alienate the other seven by negotiating with it and plummet unceremoniously in the polls. When both Labor and the Greens vote against them in the Senate, the Government will need the support of six of the eight crossbenchers to get legislation passed. We all know that Australia’s Senate preference system is the result of an elaborate practical joke played by Antony Green in the 80s, but who are these august octuplets expunged from its unknowable loins? And, to add a splash of clickbait to a tedious piece of amateur political analysis, what’s a fitting track to represent each of them in my Crossbench 2014 Mixtape? So here are the first four of the eight deadly Senators, presented in descending order of how cool their names are.
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Budget Smugglers

Like the hellish Darwinian playground it seeks to create, last week’s Budget is full of swings and roundabouts. On one hand, there have been massive cuts to Quality of Life and Hope, but on the other, increased spending for Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth. But it’s not all hungry pensioners and rivers of blood. Diamond Joe Hockey was so overjoyed by his own fiscal prudence that he danced in his office before giving his speech, a heartwarming moment that the Now I Wanna Be Your Blog team has captured exclusive footage of. Continue reading “Budget Smugglers”