LUCIFER, Prince of Darkness and Emperor Apostate of hell, has officially disendorsed Republican presidential nominee Donald Jeronimo Trump.
“His actions comments are beyond the pale,” announced Satan, a key backer of the Reagan and Bush administrations. “On behalf of all of the legions of the damned, I’m cutting all ties to the Trump campaign. I may be the cloven-footed embodiment of evil, but being assosiciated with this blabbering fascist is starting to hurt my brand.”
Lucifer claimed that his stunning denouncement was inspired by Trump’s recent rise in the polls. “We put him up as a bit of a joke, but we never expected it to go this far. He’s facing over a dozen unresolved rape allegations, including from his ex-wife, and is still on the brink of becoming president? How can I support him when I myself am a father? How could I look the abstract concept of lies in the eyes?”
The scathing friendly fire comes after a fractious few weeks for the controversial candidate. Several of Trump’s few remaining supporters have publicly deserted his campaign, including former Fox News editor-in-chief Roger Ailes, serial killer Ted Bundy and the evil prospector doll from Toy Story 2.
When asked if he was simply fleeing a sinking ship, Satan was adamant that his criticism of Trump is sincere. “I introduced suffering into the world to spite my Heavenly Father, and even I think Donald is a petty, vindictive little turd.”
“Disgusted and disturbed” by the levels to which the Republican candidate has stooped, Lucifer reluctantly admitted that he will be voting for the Democrats this weekend.
“Obviously I disapprove of a lot of Clinton’s policies, but she did fantastic work in Haiti and delivered some really reasonable, thought-provoking speeches to me and my colleagues in the Ninth Circle.”
“It pains me to say this, but I’m with her.”