Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Bligh Halifax Rameses Turnbull has struck out at claims that his policies unfairly disadvantage millennials, arguing that they unfairly disadvantage all generations other than his own.

“Of course our policies aren’t some kind of attack on young people,” the PM announced to a press conference held in his negatively-geared harbourside hedge maze, “We’re committed to reducing living standards for all non-key demographics.”

The Prime Minister cited cuts to Age

d Care – $1.2 billion over four years, or $3000 for each person currently receiving services – as evidence that the Government’s “agile negligence” extends well beyond sabotaging Australia’s youth.

“I find this idea that wealthy baby boomers are somehow happy to steal from our own children deeply offensive. We’re happy to steal from our own parents too. And grandchildren – with our climate change policy, anyone in primary school or younger is more or less headed for a Mad Max scenario. Basically, if you’re not a property owner between 45 and 70 you’re screwed.”

To add a personal touch to the speech, Mr Turnbull was joined on the stage by his own half step aunt, 92-year-old Agnes Ethel Turnbull-Cavendish-Caesar. She took great delight speaking into the microphone, something she had not done since the 1940s when she volunteered  for the Country Women’s Association as a bear-baiting commentator

“Mal’s a good boy. He wants me to reassure young Australians that although you might be burdened by perpetual job insecurity, student debts and the fact that you have effectively no chance of ever owning a home, at least you won’t starve to death or drown in the bath from a lack of basic care.”

The PM gave his relative a heart-warming kiss on the cheek and continued. “Whether you’re nine or ninety-nine, ours is a Government that doesn’t discriminate. A parasite is a parasite. Agnes is going off to live in a battery farm now, aren’t you Aunty?” Mrs Turnbull-Cavendish-Caesar was then forcibly removed from the stage by a pair of twelve-year-old security interns.

When Mr Turnbull was asked if the cuts to aged care services would impact the Coalition’s popularity among senior voters, he laughed hysterically for fourteen minutes then had the journalist arrested by the AFP.

Opposition Leader Bill Shorten unequivocally condemned the $1.2 billion cuts to aged care, and proudly spruiked Labor’s policy to cut $1.2 billion from aged care while looking slightly sadder about it. “Mr Turnbull’s comments are disgusting,” Mr Shorten announced, “I would never steal from my parents. No, I’d help my mother rob my father, then help my father rob her back and inherit whatever’s left once they’d finished murdering each other.”

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