Screw the Election, this is now a Food Blog

Frankly, dear reader, I’ve had it up to pussy’s bow with your downright negligence. I work my fingers to the marrow  on this blog, toiling tirelessly to make sure you have a post to read as often as three or four times a year. And what do I get for it? A dozen likes on Facebook and supportive emails from Dad. My ego has needs. Sometimes it feels like you’re not interested even in my hilarious two-thousand word lectures on Senate reform.

Well, I may be too trusting but I know which way the wind is blowing. Effective immediately, this is now a Food Blog. My wallet also has needs. I’m experimenting with native advertising – a dynamic client has agreed to pay me 37 cents for the product placement in this post. Hopefully, this cleverly integrated marketing strategy should be too subtle to be distracting. See if you can work out what it’s for! ❤

Anyway, one of the most exhilarating things about being a beloved and successful Food Blogger is making the old new again. We all want to cut loose at the culinary cutting edge, but sometimes Nan had the right idea. I find that my most delish innovations manifest when I add a crazy, dynamic twist to family recipes that sit close to my heart. Or as we foodies like to say, noms are where the feels are! #nomsarewherethefeelsare

That’s why I’ve decided to revisit a fun, classic dish and zhoosh it up with an eggy surprise!

#Nofilter #Foodie #Homemade #Delicious #Glutenfree #Nutrition #Foodporn #Nomcity #Foodblogger #Hungry #Gastro #Vegan #Yum #Yummie #Yummy #Yummo #Isis

Reconstructed Mi Goreng

  1. Deconstruct a packet of INDOMIE™ INSTANT MI GORENG by gently removing the flavour sachets and INDOMIE™ CLASSIC NOODLE BRICK™ from the INDOMIE™ PLASTIC™ PACKAGING™.
  2. Boil three and a half cups of filtered, charcoal-infused spring water in a teflon-free copper pot.
  3. Gently lower the INDOMIE CLASSIC NOODLE BRICK™ into the hand-crafted, teflon-free, burnished copper pot, being careful not horrifically scald your hands.
  4. Cook noodles al dente and strain. (If the noodles have become soggy, their molecular structure has been compromised and their superfood status has been lost. Destroy them and return to Step 1.)
  5. Mix the artisanal sachets of chilli, soy sauce, fried shallots, garlic-infused palm oil and single-source monosodium glutamate in with the noodles. Stir.
  6. Take one chicken, duck or lyrebird egg. Fry on a copper-free cast iron pan. (I only use eggs laid by poultry fed on a 5:2 FODMAPS paleo diet. If you can’t find any at your local farmers market, destroy the noodles and return to Step 1.)
  7. Plate up the INDOMIE™ INSTANT MI GORENG and egg in a funky glass jar, ancient Mesopotamian earthenware vase, or a really authentic elderly Peruvian farmer’s cupped hands. Sprinkle with pepper and self-satisfaction.
  8. #NomNomNomNomNomNomNomisis

Diet Update

INDOMIE™ INSTANT MI GORENG is really my passion at the moment, but a few of my fans on Twitter have asked for an update on my Macroenergetic Compost Diet. Well, I’m thrilled to announce I’ve just moved into Phase Four. That means 70% of my calories are now coming from daily Compost Shakes. Here’s the recipe from psycho-nutritionist Dr Hydrangea Frax, author of Compost Yourself To Wellness.

  1. Blend a combination of vegetable peelings, bread crusts and freshly picked dandelion stems. (It might look irresistible, but try to not to drink it yet!)
  2. Leave the mixture to ferment for seven days, preferably in place where it can be activated by the energising power of the sun.
  3. Rapidly heat and cool the shake every day to enhance the sun’s natural rhythms. You can do this in a number of ways, but I prefer to use an esky and a hair drier. This will ensure the shake is fully enriched with the natural goodness it needs to replenish your gut bacteria.
  4. Garnish with spirulina, chia seeds and little pieces of egg shell.
  5. #Yumgasm!

I can honestly say that the Macroenergetic Compost Diet is the best thing to ever happen to me. My digestive system is cleansing itself on the hour and my energy levels are so high that I literally can’t stop shaking.

Well that’s it from me for today. That Compost Shake was so amazeballs I’m about to go into a #FoodComa!

Until next time,

Ben Appétit

PS. Your caliphate needs you.

2 thoughts on “Screw the Election, this is now a Food Blog

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