6 Disney Princesses Re-imagined as History’s Greatest War Criminals

My blog’s been pretty heavy and political lately, so I thought I’d put up some cute clickbait.

1. Ariel as Joseph Stalin

mermaid“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?” So sung Ariel, daughter of Triton, King of the Ocean. Or was it Joseph Stalin? Both dreamed of being part of a world with more meaning than the bourgeois accumulation of materiel wealth. And although they strove for their dreams in different ways – Stalin through Bolshevism and Ariel through selling her voice to the Sea Witch Ursula in order to attain human legs in a convoluted gambit to win the hand of megababe Prince Eric – both dreams resulted in the deaths of 34 to 49 million people.

2. Belle as Benito Mussolini

belle“We become strong, I feel, when we have no friends upon whom to lean, or to look to for moral guidance.” So said fascist dictator Benito Mussolini, but it could have just as easily been the eccentric bookworm Belle from Disney’s 1991 masterpiece, Beauty and the Beast. Here’s Belle re-imagined as Mussolini, getting ready to stick her nose in yet another book – maybe it’s Friedrich Nietzsche’s The Genealogy of Morality. Although this version of Belle probably would have left her weak and pitiful father as the Beast’s prisoner, it’s fun to imagine!

3. Cinderella as Genghis Khan

Cinderella“Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo” and Cinderella is looking stunning re-imagined as Genghis Khan! Like the Scythians, Huns and Magyars before her, Cinderella cut a bloody swathe across the continent of Eurasia that eroded the very foundations of civilisiation itself. Hey Cindy, be careful not to leave your glass slipper at the ball! Or forty million corpses.

4. Princess Jasmine as Henry Kissinger

jasmine Just as Henry Kissinger encouraged successive US presidents to commit numberless atrocities in Indochina, Chile and East Timor; Princess Jasmine had her loyal pet tiger Rajah to protect her. Here she is meeting Aladdin’s magic carpet, which is made of thread not dissimilar to the rope that would have been used to hang her if the Geneva conventions were enforced with even a modicum of consistency.

5. Adolf Hitler as Snow White

snow-whiteSkin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony.” What’s the point of this post? Is it some kind of obtuse statement on Walt Disney’s antisemitism? Is it a poorly-executed satire about Generation Y’s pathological arrested development and the infantalisation of adult culture in an ever-darkening world? An inept Clickhole rip-off? A lame and incoherent attempt at 90sish agitprop by someone who lacks the balls to deface a billboard and the income to subscribe to Adbusters? Something to do with capitalism? A deeply desperate attempt to shock? I don’t know anymore. I don’t care. Do you?

6. Sleeping Beauty as Mao Zedong

auroraHave you ever wondered what Aurora from Sleeping Beauty would look like with Mao Zedong’s head? You don’t need to any more!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: