Eddie Mabo. Rosa Parks. Nelson Mandela. These people all have one thing in common – they were sooks. But were they flogs? If the Adam Goodes saga has taught us one thing, it’s that sooks aren’t necessarily flogs and flogs aren’t necessarily sooks, though either are usually both. But what it hasn’t taught it us is that white Australians who boo an Aboriginal activist are probably racists, because how can they be when Adam Goodes is a sook and a flog and Rita Panahi is an Indian?

In this topsy-turvy day and age where political correctness has gone mad and kids can’t even take a peanut butter sandwich to school just because other children might die, it seems like you can’t do anything without some “poor me” minority turning on the waterworks. Even thirteen-year-old girls can’t spew vicious racial abuse in public without being cruelly humiliated by their targets politely criticising then forgiving them. And what’s so bad about being called an “ape” anyway? I wouldn’t mind being called an ape. Maybe the real problem Aboriginals have (apart from the fact that they drink away handouts and refuse to help themselves) is that they have such thin skin. Oh sure, they weren’t classified as human beings in the Australian Constitution until 1967, but you have to get over it eventually. And by “eventually” I mean “while discrimination, negligence and oppression are still thriving at a systemic scale.”

I don’t know a lot about Australian Rules Football, but this brings me to the questions at the dark heart of the Adam Goode saga. What is a free kick? Who is Jacob Akermanis? And why are genocide survivors and their descendents always such bloody whingers?

Now, before some latte-sniffing Maoist at the ABC calls me a racist, let me make clear that I’m not just talking about Aborigines. (Besides, how could I be racist when Andrew Bolt is Dutch?) There are all kinds of races who think that just because their family and community were systematically murdered they’re entitled to endlessly bang on about it, no matter how bad it makes hard-working, normal-coloured people feel. The Armenians won’t shut up about it. The Africans won’t shut up about it. I went to Cambodia recently and they’ve even set up a special sob story theme park where they expected me to feel sorry for them just because it’s still haunted by unmistakable stench of human corpses. And don’t get me started on the juvenile other races who I won’t name who’ve set up shop turning tears into salty gold.

But  of all the whingers, Goodes and his lot are the worst. We get it, there was a kerfuffle or two way back, but that’s nowhere near as bad as having to put up with a so-called “Australian of the Year” who doesn’t even love Australia Day. If an explicit and well-orchestrated policy to annihilate an ethnic group is a “genocide” then I’m Lee bloody Kernaghan. And sure, you could describe deliberately infecting people with smallpox and poisoning their water supplies as biological and chemical weapons, but it’s not like we used nuclear weapons. Unless you include dumping nuclear waste within dangerous distances of where they live, and that doesn’t count because we weren’t even trying to kill them on purpose by then. We just didn’t really mind either way.

What’s past is past, and the fact that ordinary people have to listen to tedious acknowledgements and are asked whether they’re Torres Strait Islanders on forms proves that if anything it’s Australians, not Aborigines, who are prejudiced against. If you ignore the decade difference in life expectancy, the halved secondary school qualifications, the doubled infant mortality, the tripled diabetes rate, the quadrupled hospitalisations for chronic illness, the quintupled unemployment rate, the thirteen times greater likelihood of incarceration and the fifteenfold suicide rate it’s white people who are the real victims. Sorry, made a bit of a typo there, by “fifteenfold higher suicide rate” I meant that in 2010 Indigenous Australians made up 3% of the total population and 50% of the suicide deaths. Sorry, by 50% I mean half. So really it was sixteen-point-six-recurring-fold. And how do they repay us for this special treatment? By one guy arguably pretending to throw an imaginary spear during a ball game, just like the evil savages that I’m no longer aloud to explicitly say that I think they are.

Now if there are sooks reading this who think I should apologise for the thing I just didn’t even say, let me tell you that I’ve already said “sorry” twice in the last paragraph alone. How many sorries do these people need? In 2007 Kevin Rudd did a massive sorry, yet the “boo-hoo-don’t-boo” brigade continue to make out like it somehow didn’t entirely compensate for two centuries of colonialist persecution. The fact the gap between the indigenous and non-indigenous standard of living has increased since the apology doesn’t change anything. What do you want me to say? Sorry? That’s six now.

There are seventy-two Aboriginal players in the AFL and only one gets booed. The fact he’s also the only one broadly recognised as an outspoken activist and critic of Australia’s white supremacist legacy is irrelevant. Mainstream Australia has proven that we’re fine with black people, provided that they don’t get lippy. Or live in remote communities we’ve decided to close by force. Or sit next to us on public transport. Yet the Goodesy two shoes continue their hypocrisy, throwing tantrums about racism while simultaneously showing prejudice against the so-called “racists”. But the idea that people who don’t consciously think of themselves as a bigots could be bigots is ridiculous. How could they be, when Shane Warne lived in England for a bit?

Things change. Racism may have been all-too rampant in the past, but Australia today is a very different place. And as hard as it is to say, there comes a point where the victims have to stop whinging and move on.

Have you heard the one about the Alice Springs petrol station?

3 thoughts on “Whingers

    1. I think the target of the satire affects whether it’s okay. You absolutely can’t do racial satire that targets Aboriginal people if you’re white. But in this case it’s very clearly targeting white people.

      I have no time for people just saying racist things and claiming “It’s satire!” but this article doesn’t do that.
      Phrases like:
      “while discrimination, negligence and oppression are still thriving at a systemic scale”
      are the exact opposite of that

      The worst you could say about the piece is that it’s preaching to the converted

  1. Hi Marley, thanks for this comment, it’s had a deep effect on me. I still believe this post is defensible, but I’m not sure how much that’s up to me and it’s not a corner I want to fight from. For what it’s worth, which may be very little, my sole intention is to expose and eviscerate bigotry and not one of the jokes is remotely aimed at the First Australians. If you tell me which parts you find problematic I’m happy to change them.

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