We must stop at nothing to prevent death-cult jihadists murdering innocents on our own soil. That’s why anyone who isn’t a covert member of ISIS will support the Government’s new, recently announced anti-terror legislation: the distribution of mandatory “Freedom Collars” to protect Australians from beheadings.
Attorney General George Brandis said that the titanium-plated neck-bands, which must be worn by all citizens at all times, will make “soft, sweet Aussie throats” impervious to “scimitars, sabres, and halal tomahawks.” The decision follows recent discussions around once again increasing the national Terror Level, the Government metric of how terrified everyone is supposed to be. “A few weeks ago we raised it from ‘Lingering Nervousness’ to ‘Mass Paranoia'”, said Senator Brandis, who gave his press conference in full military regalia surrounded by 300 body-armoured rifle-wielding AFP SWAT officers, “I can now reveal that we are considering further upgrading it to ‘Salem-Level Hysteria’.”
Prime Minister Abbott also weighed in on the necessity of the devices and the very real threat of Jihadists lurking in bushes and decapitating passers-by: “The situation in the Middle East is a highly complex palimpsest of nuanced ethnic, economic, religious and political tensions; significantly exacerbated by the bloody legacy of generations of colonial exploitation. But don’t worry about all that shit. Just do what Daddy tells you or the baddies will chop your off your head.”
The Freedom Collars, which are to be engraved with Southern Crosses and patriotic etchings of Rebecca Gibney’s face, are more than just stylish mandatory neck armour. They also contain a pinpoint GPS movement tracker and 24-hour audio surveillance bug. “If you’re not doing anything wrong, you don’t have anything to worry about,” said Brandis, in his iconically emphatic dialect of Low German, “the same goes for the collar’s capacity to deliver fatal electric shocks upon remote command. That’s for when police spot an Islamist trying to blow up the MCG on Grand Final day and have to take him out quickly. You don’t want a Islamist to blow up the MCG on Grand Final day, do you?”
Some commentators have described the Freedom Collars as a “light touch” compared to Australia’s other recently passed anti-terror laws. The measures that passed through the Senate last week include effectively total internet surveillance; permission for intelligence organisations to tamper with files on suspect’s computers and provisions for any journalist or whistleblower who reports on anything deemed to be a ‘special intelligence operation’ to be imprisoned for ten years.
Also of reassurance to those of us who aren’t Jihadist sympathisers is the extension of the power to arrest suspects without charge on “preventative detention orders” (a temporary anti-terror measure passed by the Howard Government in 2002) and the jailing of any journalist who reports on the use of these orders. The importance of PDOs was demonstrated last Sunday, when 800 police accompanied by six camera crews used them to carry out a pre-dawn raid on a kraken-like terror network so vast and unstoppable that as many as two people were charged, although one has since been released on a good behaviour bond. “All that’s only the first and mildest of three waves of confirmed legislation,” Brandis chuckled, “And most of you seem utterly indifferent. I very much doubt we’ll have a problem with the Collars.”
Although the Freedom Collar bill is yet to appear before Parliament, the ALP, which just helped pass the first wave of the Government’s laws without even attempting to amend them, has committed to see it through. “The Opposition completely supports these nightmarish police state policies” said Labor Leader Bill Shorten, looking like a badly aging Noddy who owes a gambling debt to the mob, “Maybe this shock collar might help me feel something again.”
By amazing coincidence, the Federal Government has discovered the impending horror of the embryonic global Caliphate at exactly the point its unpopularity was becoming critical and its Victorian and Queensland counterparts most needed help in their pre-election polls. Premier Napthine, who effectively ended the right to protest in Victoria earlier this year, has already started wearing his own anti-decapitation brace as a sign of solidarity to ordinary citizens, although Liberal insiders say this may instead be a precaution against his predecessor Ted Baillieu “pulling a Kevin.”
It is unknown whether the Freedom Collars are intended to be distributed at schools and community centres or whether free sausage sizzles will be involved, but one thing remains painfully clear: unless we unquestioningly surrender more and more power to an increasingly militarised surveillance state, there will be nothing to stand in the way of mentally ill teenagers with small knives destroying Western Civilisation as we know it. ISIS will stop at absolutely nothing to take away our basic human liberties. The only way we can prevent them from doing so is by giving away our basic human liberties willingly.