Just when you thought that Australian democracy was as lifeless as a roadkill ‘roo smeared across the asphalt of capital, it has risen, quite literally, like Lazarus. For years, progressives have yearned for a political visionary to shake up the major parties, someone with the gumption to stand up to corporate lobby groups and call out the Murdochracy. Someone who can mobilise the masses but isn’t afraid to have academic credentials. At last, he’s here. The vote recount for the seat of Fairfax is almost finished (not to be confused with the company Fairfax, which still has around a decade of exponential decline). In all likelihood, Professor Clive Palmer is soon to be a Minister of Parliament, with a trio of Senators orbiting around him like the icy moons of Jupiter.

ImageOn Saturday the 6th of September, a hundred thousand adults gathered together and decided through a meticulous democratic process that the most wise, competent and inspiring person they could find to lead and represent them in Australia’s main law-making body was Clive Palmer. If that’s not evidence that the system works, I don’t know what is. This is a man who the incorruptible National Trust has officially labelled a National Treasure, a title he shares with luminaries like Rolf Harris. It seems that despite all of his mining, Clive had a heart of gold all along. Or, to be more accurate to his share portfolio, a heart of nickel. Some jealous critics might say that the good Professor was a man who already had everything, but that simply isn’t true. He didn’t have our votes, our hearts, or the last twitching fragments of our atrophied wills. So he did what he always does and forked out the cash, drilled deep and dug it all out, gauging through the loamy psyche of the Australian populace as if it were soft clay. Democracy means “rule by the people”, and if you can buy the people with populist drivel you can rule through the people. This election proves that the system works – anyone can to get to the top, just as long as they have passion, commitment and lazy eight hundred mil to kick around when they’re bored.

A few on the left are saying that it’s better that Palmer got into Parliament than another Liberal orc, and they’re right. It’s not Clive’s fault that he’s one of the biggest greenhouse gas emitters in Australia, the amoral hacks who didn’t stop him are the real villains. Those two-faced faceless men have white-anted the major parties with spin and would sell their souls to selfish, meddling plutocrats. That’s why only a selfish, meddling plutocrat can stop them. Everybody knows that the Coalition are just predatory minions of the ruling class, we might as well cut out the middle man and vote for the ruling class themselves. If nothing else, it cuts red tape.

All this hasn’t stopped the Mainstream Media from painting Clive as a delusional Titaniac bent on building a dinobot army. Sure, he accused the Greens of being CIA puppets, said Murdoch’s ex-wife Wendi Deng was a Chinese Spy and worked closely with corrupt, apartheid-supporting Queensland despot Joh Bjelke-Peterson – who hasn’t? But as the Professor says, if you think PUP are so bad, why not read my policies? He’s right – a quick scan of the Palmer United policy document reveals a coherent, ideologically consistent agenda set on bringing Australia together. The fact that its illustrated with low-budget images like this proves that rather than being the extravagant wheezing Pharaoh some choose to portray him as Clive is actually a modest spendthrift.

palmy
Harvey Dent’s let himself go.

The party has five sturdy pillars, the first of which I alluded to above:

1. The Palmer United Party believes that lobbyists should be excluded from holding official positions in the Palmer United Party. Official office bearers of the Palmer United Party need to represent the membership and they can’t do that if they are receiving large amounts of money from companies or business groups. A member who is a lobbyist needs to decide if his business interests are more important than carrying out obligations of an office bearer. Moreover lobbyist firms often employ former Ministers from both political parties and Big Business can get policy changes by paying money to such firms to represent their views. This represents a serious conflict of interest and undermines the value of individuals voting rights and the Democracy Australians have fought for. It negates Australian right to vote.

At first glance, this might look like a policy against lobbying for business interests from a party that only exists to lobby for business interests, but it’s actually so much more. For centuries, irony has plagued Western Civilisation with it’s nihilistic sneer. PUP is the only party dedicated to destroying it forever.

2. WEALTH FOR REGIONS
The Palmer United Party believes 25% of the wealth generated from regions in Australia must be returned to that region so that the wealth can be reinvested in the region that generated such wealth on behalf of the people of Australia.

What this actually means and how it could possibly be implemented is irrelevant. The important thing is wealth regions wealth regions wealth regions regions wealth regions wealth wealth regions wealth regions wealth.

3. CARBON TAX – ELECTRICITY PRICE
The Palmer United Party will scrap the Carbon Tax, not from when we are elected but from when the tax was introduced. Electricity prices are too high. Australian families are being destroyed. Australians will get refunds under the Palmer United Government. The Palmer United Party will set up a national commission to investigate the Carbon issue and seek submissions from all Australians so that the government is fully informed.

This, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with Palmer’s considerable fossil fuel holdings, the $6 million fine he was hit with for refusing to pay the Carbon Tax or the fact that he’s a pathological Climate denialist deliberately contributing to a global tragedy that will probably have a higher death toll than WWII. That would be a “serious conflict of interest”. No, Clive’s only ambition is to save families from the savage, lentil-scented jaws of the Carbon Tax and avenge those it has already mutilated and destroyed.

4. USING AUSTRALIAN WEALTH FOR AUSTRALIA
Japan has become the world’s third largest economy by processing Australian resources. Wages in Japan are more expensive. The cost of energy is higher. Japan suffers from the tyranny of distance yet Australia sells its mineral ore at $40 – $200 a tonne and Japan sells final products at up to $20,000 a ton or more. To create jobs, more government revenue and a stronger balance of payments the Australian government needs to encourage the use of the mineral resource wealth of Western Australia and Queensland to support downstream manufacturing in states that don’t have those resources, such as New South Wales, South Australia, Tasmania and Victoria. We can create jobs increase our exports and provide greater revenue and a rising rather than declining standard of living for our country. Higher export revenue means better education and health services for our people.

This may read like Bob Katter on one of his notorious glue benders, but we really should be trying to build a thriving, rising star economy like Japan’s. For those who haven’t been paying attention, here’s a recap of the agenda so far. Policy Two – we need to keep wealth in the regions it’s generated in. Policy Four – we need to move wealth out of the regions it’s generated in. That’s the beauty of the Palmer United Party, it has something for everyone.

5. COMMON SENSE POLICY OF ARRIVALS TO AUSTRALIA TO SAVE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS
We spend Billions of dollars each year trying to deal with illegal entry into Australia. Our Navy is deployed at great cost and does not now do what it should do and defend Australia. People are attracted to this country by many financial and other benefits that the government offers. Families of new arrivals are separated and kept in camps at the taxpayers’ expense and many people lose their lives while people smugglers make a fortune. While all this is going on the Australian People continue to suffer. We need to change things. It is the Australian government that creates the market for people smugglers to prosper. If a person seeking entry into Australia was allowed to board a plane for $800 to fly to one of our airports such as Sydney or Brisbane they wouldn’t need to pay the People Smugglers up to $20,000 for illegal entry to Australia. Any person would require their valid passport to board the flight, so when arriving at the immigration hall we would know who they are and where they came from. At the airport we could have the facilities to deal with them. Each person or family could be given a fair hearing at the airport facilities when they arrive to determine if they had a lawful right of entry into Australia. If they didn’t they could be returned to where they came from on the next flight. This would abolish the detention camps, restore our navy to its traditional role, save the lives of children and families, keep families together and recognise the legitimate rights of those that have a lawful reason for entering Australia. This policy would also reduce the risk of breeches in our quarantine and protect our agricultural industries. Only the Palmer United Party can stop the boats by taking away the financial incentive that started them in the first place. The billions of dollars saved by this policy can be spent for a change on the people who deserve it the people of Australia.

Nobody has suggested a humanitarian policy this generous and practical since Marie Antoinette’s Cake For Peasants Initiative. Having hundreds of refugee-laden planes zip through conflicted airspace couldn’t possibly go wrong. Given that waiting at the airport is the closest thing to the tedious Kafkaesque futility of detention-centre life most Australians will encounter, it seems fitting to dump starving Hazaras in tents next to the duty free Bundy. My only criticism of this informed and realistic policy is that it doesn’t have enough of that classic Clive flair. Why use aeroplanes to pick up the Asylum Seekers when we could build full-scale replicas of the Hindenburg?

It takes a lot of character to make a billion dollars, and a pretty special kind of person to keep it for themselves when they could save literally millions of lives. It’s nice to think that while children across the world are left crippled by pain as their starving stomachs digest their own flesh, Clive’s pangs of hunger have driven him to new and greater heights. Hunger for resources, hunger for adoration, hunger for power. So deep is this hunger that rather than rely on grassroots volunteers to hand out How To Vote cards like every other party, he paid backpackers to do it and ordered his employees to help out under the implied threat of retrenchment. The Australian people respect hand-earned success, and know that if someone is a decadent capitalist robber barren they probably deserve that power, and more. One day, if we keep laying palms before his feet Palmer may be able to buy his way to the Lodge. Let’s just pray that he, his party and his kind remain forever unsinkable.

Like taking marbles from a school kid.
Like taking marbles from a school kid.

2 thoughts on “Citizen Clive

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