How many dead babies does it take to win an election?

I would say that reading about the election fills me with a hollow, nauseating despair; except that reading that reading about the election fills people with a hollow, nauseating despair also fills me with a hollow, nauseating despair. It seems like the most dull, painful cliché of this dull, painful, cliché-infested election is how dull, painful and clichéd the election is. Thus we are locked into an infinite regressive spiral, imprisoned by corrosive cynicism and shit Mark Knight cartoons. This is the Toyota ™ AFL Finals Season of our discontent.

Now it’s just three weeks until the Big Day, a week earlier than it was going to be before Kevin Rudd changed it because of Yom Kippur, even though Jewish groups didn’t really care. Meanwhile, he seems completely nonplussed about clashing with the Feast Day of St Anastasius the Fuller – how many times does that man have to martyred? Indifferent to the fact that Australia’s weavers will be cursed with the wrath of their jilted patron saint, Rudd bobbles smugly to electoral defeat, pleased at least that he got to choose the date, rather than the red-headed Member for Iscariot. Although this is not so much a “dinner-and-flowers” or “movie-and-fingering” kind of date as “being distressingly pursued by two psychotic middle aged stalkers”, it’s a date nevertheless. And like all good dates, September 7 will be built on a foundation of banal smalltalk, self-promotion and the tears of thousands of persecuted children.

Illegals. Reffoes. Bloodsucking Islamovikings. Whatever you want to call them, Aslyum Seekers have long been a problem for the The Contorted Husk That Used To Be The Australian Labor Party and K-Rudd has come to the rescue with a final solution. A lot of people think it’s a bit of a lark to lay the boot into Labor, but it’s important to remember that the Coalition are shamelessly exploiting the xenophobia of a misinformed public to their advantage at horrendous human cost. Sure, the Government is doing exactly the same thing, but at least they have the decency to make you feel good about it. The CHTUTBTALP understands that Australians are a compassionate and hard-working bunch who want their greed and hatred pandered to in a way that doesn’t make it obvious. That’s why the Government is committed to not talking about your deluded fear of missing out that cost them all those Howard elections and pretending that you were just concerned for asylum seekers all along.

Unlike Tony Abbott, Kevin Rudd wants to draw a line under the old racism of negativity and bring in a new, positive racism that does away with despicable three-word-slogans like “Stop The Boats” and replaces them with unimaginably despicable three-word-slogans like “Deaths At Sea”. The official Earnestness Taskforce, lead by Bill Bolton Shorten and Tania “Our Lady Of Sorrows” Plibersek will work around the clock, spit-shining the policy with crocodile tears to convince you that stripping people of their human rights is somehow in their interest. A little bit of subtlety never went astray, and a spoon full of sugar helps the tabloid-fermented bile go down even more deliciously.

Sure, some maudlin zealots might say that there’s no evidence that deterrence against Asylum Seekers works, that risks at sea have to be examined in the context of risks under persecution and that the fact that all human rights organisations and the UN unilaterally oppose this policy might slightly undermine its human rights credentials. But that would be pretty heartless. The Government isn’t saying that anyone who opposes their illegal policy wants Asylum Seekers to drown – the facts speak for themselves.

If you’re worried that the toughness of Labor’s tough love policy is corrupted by the love, don’t worry, they’re still happy to unleash the shrieking dog whistles of war that you callous troglodytes hold so dear. Foreign Minister Bob Carr is happy to lie through his molars and say that 90% of Aslyum Seekers are “Economic Migrants” (the reverse is true), and his booming baritone lends him an air of false dignity that might even convince you he’s anything other than a hack.

But despite Rudd’s valiant efforts, the Coalition has once gain managed to trump Labor’s craven mediocrity with their cartoonish malevolence. Abbott’s pimped Temporary Protection visa policy is far to the right of anything Pauline Hanson proposed when she invented the policy in 1996 (at the time even Phillip Ruddock described it as “unconscionable”) and will make sure that even those eelish Asylum Seekers who managed to slip through our barbed-wire bureaucracy and wind up in Australia can continue to live in a constant state of fear. Toadish toady Scott Morrison has further protected Australians by declaring that those wronged by the system and doomed to return to a state that wants them dead can never waste our taxpayers dollars by exercising their human right to appeal in a court of law.

Meanwhile, the three star generals overseeing the zero star specifics of Operation Sovereign Borders Counterinvasion Anzac Power Force are no doubt still considering the Coalition Defense Spokesman’s plan to buy drones off the US to guard us against those dinghy-hopping Muhammadan parasites. You think that purchasing flying robotic sentinels to hunt down people seeking protection from the Taliban at the taxpayer cost of half a million dollars per asylum seeker is a bit over the top? Well let’s just start mixing the margaritas and fire up the foot spa, because that kind of open-the-floodgates border weakness is exactly why we have so many millionaire refugees stealing bread from pensioners and burning Christian kittens on the street today.

But of Tony Abbott’s vast suppository of proposed asylum seeker policies, the one with real sex appeal is his mandatory “work for the dole” scheme, which will function under the threat of starvation. This also known as “slavery”. If you put an unaccompanied minor in a chain gang it turns into a perpetually accompanied miner. It’s comforting to think that as those widowed and orphaned Tamils and Hazaras dig with trembling hands in the lung-corrupting coal pits their heavy hearts will be lifted by the catchy numbers of Katie Perry, blaring, howling, screaming through omnipresent bronze speakers.

Nah, I’m kidding. Most of them will just be locked in an island prison for the rest of their lives or shot when they’re sent back home. Gotta zip!

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