I think we all remember the first time we met Maggie Thatcher. Mine was beneath the softly blossoming cherry trees by the local light-dappled fishing hole. She wore an agapanthus in her hair and that famous full-length chain-mail dress that earnt her the nickname “The Iron Lady”. I was sixteen and she was eighty-two. She wasn’t my first kiss – that honour belonged to Ronald Reagan – but she used a lot more tongue. “Maggie,” I said, “it’s late September and I really should be back in school.” “Hush now sweetums,” she croaked in reply, then pressed her talon-like thumbs hard against my eyelids until I shrieked in pain. Personally, I think that’s what I’ll miss most about the people’s PM. No matter how much you struggled to break free of her withered grasp, when she tried to gauge your eyes out you could tell she was doing it with conviction.
Because unlike the namby-pamby milksops who call themselves “world leaders” today, Baroness Thatcher had convictions and hated milk. When she fought for and won office against seemingly insurmountable odds, she did so with conviction. When she almost tripled the poverty rate in Britain by opposing a minimum wage and slashing social services, she did that with conviction. And when she spent one billion pounds of taxpayer’s money to prop up Saddam Hussein’s tyrannical regime, she damn well did that with conviction too.
Former Prime Minister Baroness Thatcher was more than a woman; she was a woman who was the Prime Minister of England. Women who aren’t the Prime Minister of England should think about how much the owe her, shut up, and lead the maudlin pageantry of grief with ashes smeared on their weeping faces. I’m talking to you, Feminazis – firstly you say that women should be permitted to be in positions of power, then reserve the right to criticise them when they are! Bitches be cray. She had a uterus, what more do you want? Besides, Margaret was a feminist icon – that’s why she was always saying feminist things like “I owe nothing to women’s lib” and “I hate feminism. It is poison.”
This noblewoman, this goddess, is with us no more, and people the world over are haemorrhaging blood from Tory-shaped holes in their chests. But that hasn’t stopped the bile-spitters and grave-robbers from spewing their hate before her supple, armoured body is even in the ground. You may have disagreed with Thatcher’s policies, but that doesn’t give you the right to say anything less than glowing about her after her death and kick around her corpse like a desiccated football. Imagine what she’d think if she were alive to see your mild reservations. I think the disgust could have quite possibly killed her. Perhaps it did. Are you Communist savages happy now that you’ve murdered a poor old woman?
The other thing the haters forget is that the Iron Lady has a family made of non-metallic flesh. You might not think you’re hurting anybody with your private conversation in Australia or your barely-read Facebook comment, but how do you know that one of Thatcher’s grandchildren isn’t hiding behind a curtain or stalking you online? Maggie also had mates; like Augusto Pinochet, whose indictment for crimes against humanity she opposed, and the genocidal Suharto, who she described as “one of our very best and most valuable friends.” Why don’t you think of their feelings? Because they’re deceased? There you go again, dancing gleefully on the graves of the dead.
Former Prime Minister Baroness Margaret Hillary Thatcher LG, OM, PC, FRS wasn’t content to merely improve society, she went that extra mile and denied it’s existence whilst working to tear it apart. She had the wisdom to decimate education funding and the kindness to try to restore capital punishment. She had the courage to support Apartheid and the grace to train the Khmer Rouge. When she called Nelson Mandela a terrorist, she wasn’t just speaking for herself, but civilised people everywhere. She believed in liberty, and worked as a high-profile consultant for Phillip Morris to give thousands the freedom to live in addiction and die in agony.
Maggie taught us what it means to be human. She may be gone, but she will live on forever in the base and pitiless greed at the bottom of each of our hearts.