The cattle are lowing, the puppies are still weeks away from abandonment and the humans are writhing in their glittering orgy of saccharine consumerism and hate. Yes, it’s that special time of the year again, when Santa’s elves work around the clock in their claustrophobic Taiwanese sweatshops and all the little boys and girls leave out plates of amphetamines for the extant members of Hi 5. But amidst the intestinal tinsel and baubles the size of children’s skulls it’s easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas: sin. For despite the whining scroogery of godbotherers lamenting the fact that the holiday they nicked from the pagans has been St Nicked by somebody else, a quick squiz at the Good Book reveals that the man upstairs absolutely loathes the festive season. So come all ye faithful, behold the Lord’s hatred of your most tolerated of Xmas traditions, and prepare to sizzle in hell like a felt stocking in an electric fire.
“2Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. 3For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. 4They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.” – Jeremiah 10:2-4 KJV
In Jeremiah, Teh Lord gives a clearer condemnation of Christmas trees than he ever gives of Penny Wong or the Da Vinci Code. It’s a depraved heathen practice that’ll exclude you from the covenant – so if you’re going to keep spangling plastic pines despite divine command, you might as well go the whole glazed hog and start sacrificing babies to Moloch.
“4Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.” – Exodus 20:4 KJV
Whether they depict bawdy candy-cane related puns or unnervingly Aryan nativity scenes, Christmas cards qualify as idolatry worthy of Simon Cowell. Roman Catholics and Eastern Orthodox…ers think that they can get around this particularly prickly commandment with a little theological jiggery-pokery; but even so, if you’ve ever chucked out a card with Christ on it, that’s high-quality gold-leaf Hellmark blasphemy that’ll earn you infinitely more agony than $2.60 and a paper cut.
“34Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.” – Matthew 10:34-36 KJV
If you believe that Christmas is about cuddly Cosbian consanguinity, you’re directly violating the will of a certain holey-handed sandal-clad bachelor. He doesn’t want families to be closer, he wants them to follow him completely or find a different carpenter. So next time you bump into Uncle Alphonse under the mistletoe or have to resuscitate Grandma, remember that if you keep it up, you’ll be spending an eternity wearing crappy paper crowns in the fiery lounge room of the abyss.
“14For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” – Exodus 34:14 KJV
An immortal, omniscient, red-wearing supernatural goblin-king who goes by “Ol’ Nick” and who’s name is an anagram of “Satan”? If that’s not enough for you, surely all the bells and mink either prove that Father Christmas is a madcore furry fetishist or there’s some serious pagan shit going down. Naiive youngsters even make shrines replete with food offerings to this gluttonous false-god; hoping in vein that he’ll deign them with his demonic presence. So skilled is Kris Kringlstopheles at diabolical jolliness that he even gives out gifts to win his victim’s hearts – ask any sane six year old who’s cooler out of Santa and Jehovah and they’ll unflinchingly vote for the former, unaware that crumbs of their soul are being entangled in the devil’s beard like so many partially eaten cookies. So unless your Christmas wish is to be dragged screaming down the bottomless chimney of Abaddon by a pair of white santanic mittens, you better get off that Nice List.
Hopefully that handy guide will help you steer clear of pudding-related damnation for many yuletides to come. To lighten the mood and wish you a safe and spiritually non-threatening late December period, I’d like to leave you with a delightfully charming oil painting, “Mother Mary with the Holy Child Jesus Christ“, by an obscure Austrian artist in 1913. Fröhliche Weihnachten and Happy Saturnalia!
PS: If anyone wants a copy of my brand new Christmas Album, “Songs From the Manger with DJ Eggnog”, shoot me a message.
PPS: I’m for realz