Tony Abbott, with his mighty rod of retribution and ears like (right) wings, truly is an angel amongst men. This week he has once again descended to aid those in need with a heavenly display of tough love. His proposed welfare policy would mean that the slothfully and greedily unemployed, who currently live in luxury on as much as $214 a week while the rest of us toil to support them, could be mercifully freed from their sins by being forced to work in menial jobs chosen at the whim of the state. Tony understands that getting people to work requires a carrot-and-stick approach, and though not having to survive on $11,000 a year is a reasonable enough carrot, people would respond much more effectively to a tough but fair stick, like the threat of starvation.
Of course, short-sighted bleeding hearts would cry that there are normally reasons why people are unemployed, like mental illness or caring for children, and that completely ignoring these circumstances and forcing them to pick fruit in Kyabram are not the actions of a civilised society. But what these subversive elements don’t understand is that this wishy-washy kindness is long-term cruelty, “the misguided compassion that eventually breaks down the social fabric”. People shouldn’t be deprived of the right to be forced to work.
Even more bravely, Tony has raised his flaming sword against the true demons of our society, those avaricious archfiends who’ll stop at nothing to drain true Australians of their hard earned cash: the disabled. We all know that the vast majority of those with so-called “disabilities” are just bludgers faking it to get massive handouts and the best parking spots. Half of them are so lazy that they’d rather wheel around on special chairs rather than get up and walk like the rest of us! Forcing 60% of them to work lest not be able to afford meals will teach those parasites a thing or two. He also wants to extend the measures put in place by the NT intervention across the country; so that 50% of handouts would be quarantined by the state to spend on food and other necessities. This is a brilliant idea; there’s no policy that better demonstrates the Liberal Party’s dedication to personal economic freedom than a soviet-style coupon system.
Yet even a celestial warrior like Abbott isn’t immune to the pangs of irrational softness. The one problem I can see with Tony’s intended welfare reform is that it doesn’t go far enough. Why only suspend 50% of a person’s handout when they’ll just spend the other half on alcohol, drugs and pornography? If we want to put an end all of this destructive vice and economic inefficiency we have to intervene properly, and take away the opportunity for wayward layabouts to squander and sin. If you want to live off the government’s purse you’ll live how the government tells you to. Instead of the folly of handouts, all unemployed should be made to work full-time, placed in cheap, mass accommodation and given three meals of nutritious gruel a day. Naturally, men, women and children would be separated: if you wanted the right to mingle with your loved ones you would have fulfilled the responsibility of being a productive member of society. Life is a two way street. Besides, children kept in the custody of unemployed parents are far more likely to become unemployed themselves, it’s much kinder to break the cycle and remove them from the insidious influence of the people who brought them into the world.
This country has one of the lowest unemployment rates in the developed world, but we can make it lower still. We shouldn’t settle for 5% joblessness when a few simple policies can bring it down to 0%. People like Abbott have a vision of Australia where every single person has an economic utility and no-one is waste of space, where even the most useless quadriplegic has a full-time job licking stamps in a factory. And that sounds like a fucking bright vision to me.